Jokes

[epsilon75]

Where's Ya Undies?

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[sparrow]

Irish zoo keeper was mopping out the Elephants enclosure.

The head zoo keeper came up and said

The female Gorilla is in season at the moment and is desperate for a mate ..I was wondering if you would service her..500 quid.

The Irishman scratches his head...

Ok he said ..But on three conditions.

Fire away says the head zoo keeper.

The first is ..I don't have to kiss her.

Secondly you don't tell me wife..

Whats the third says head zoo keeper.

Well says Irishman...You'll have to give me two weeks to get the money together.

[bigmoog]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about music. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[bigmoog]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pus-sy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.




the old ones are always er, shite

[epsilon75]

Brendan wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck, until one day he comes across a Yamaha with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain." And he hands Brendan a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Michelle, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Michelle stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Brendan is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Brendan decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Michelle. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and s crews her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no-one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Brendan remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

"All right, that's enough, I'll do the f**king dishes!"

[bigmoog]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have se-x.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his pe nis in the mommy’s va gina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s pen--is in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”




oh dear gawd, im off

[epsilon75]

The Vicar's Chickens

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept


in the coop behind the church.


One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and


discovered that the cock was missing.


He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to


question his parishioners in church.


During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"


All the men stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"


All the women stood up.


"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock


that doesn't belong to them?"


Half the women stood up!


"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,


has anybody seen MY cock?"


Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[sound beach]

Where's Ya Undies?

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

these jokes are so bad i guess sombody has to be called epsilon75

[epsilon75]

zzzzzzz

[alipaul]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up,
ready
> to go to sleep, but the husband turns his light on, to read a book.
>
> As he reads, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her
> 'special' place. He does this a few times, but only for very short
> intervals, then returns to his book. The wife becomes more and more
> aroused.
>
> Assuming that her husband is seeking encouragement, she gets up and
> removes her nightie. Her confused husbands asks, "What the hell are
you
> doing?"
>
> His wife replies, "I'm responding to your foreplay." The husband says,
> "That wasn't my intention."
>
> His wife, now angry, asks, "Well what the hell were you doing then?
>
> He replies, "Just wetting my finger, so I could turn the page."

[bigmoog]

this is made me laff :


In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts



"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""

[epsilon75]

I loves It

[bigmoog]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz :



Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a cop," said the first man.

"Then we will shoot your di-ck off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen," said the second man.

"Then we will burn your di-ck off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[Janus]

Ok guys this ones lame, apologies over with.......

Excited about his new project concept, a movie producer had called together several big name draws to kick some ideas around.
The project, an action docu-drama about famous composers featured Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwartzenegger in leading roles.

The producers really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

(Did warn you!!)

[epsilon75]